(1) play the Pixies album Doolittle on shuffle
(2) the song that plays first will determine your love life in the immediate future. Refer to the following list.
“La la love you” — blissful, carefree devotion are yours!
“Here comes your man” — new love or rekindling of old.
“Debaser” — you will see more art films with someone groovy.
“Mr. Grieves” — things are okay, but on that knife edge between long-term happiness and spiral of disaster. Play your hand carefully.
“Monkey Gone to Heaven” — your monastic period of self love will end soon.
“Wave of Mutiliation” — you will leave many spurned lovers in your wake.
“Crackity Jones” — run, don’t walk, to get out of this thing before the train hits.
“No. 13 Baby” — someone alluring and dangerous will come into your life. Hit shuffle again. If “Crackity Jones” comes second, this person is batshit crazy. Look out.
“Hey” — you are codependent and it’s okay. Try something kinky soon.
“There Goes My Gun” — it’s a metaphor, people.
“Silver” — stop re-watching your favorite TV shows, get out more and meet people.
“I Bleed” — OK Cupid will hit you where it hurts (this could be good or bad).
“Gouge Away” — you will go through trials and arguing with your loved one. Choose your battles carefully.
“Tame” — watch out for your own controlling tendencies in your relationship.
“Dead” — this is your love life. Yup. Sorry.
Note: if you get “Dead” you’re allowed to try again. If you get “Dead” twice you should seek love counseling.